The Perils of the 3 "Ps"

Collin took his young son fishing for the first time. Having seen "Bananas In Pajamas", Tyler, aged 6, knew how to fish. "You don't know everything," his father told him gently. Tyler was silent for a while, then said: "I know I don't know everything Dad, but sometimes I forget."

Collin shared his story in a recent mentoring workshop, having experienced the mentoring conversation model*. His example gives both mentors and mentorees the opportunity to remember that they don't know everything - and don't have to.

Knowing is fun. There's a reason why TV game shows and radio quizzes are popular! Ever found yourself calling out when you know the answer? The contestant may win the prize but you feel good too because, when we know we're right, a shot of brain chemicals gives us a buzz. Knowing gives us a sense of confidence, security and power. It raises our self-esteem and our personal status.

However, when we know, and someone else does not, it can create a gulf between us. Neuroscientists have identified status as having an important impact on our health and longevity. Furthermore, people monitor their status relative to others during conversations and a perceived reduction in status registers in the brain as a threat. When people feel unsafe they tend to become defensive, close the mind and shrink thinking to within a limited comfort zone.

So, mentors need to be wary of the three "P"s - presumptions, predetermined answers and prescriptive advice.

Presumptions

What we "know" may turn out to be an assumption. Facts, beliefs and opinions may be drawn from incomplete or incorrect information. An assumption can mean we have jumped to a conclusion and stopped thinking about possibilities. The mentoring conversation aims at developing clarity and insight upon which the mentoree can make informed decisions.

Predetermined Answers

Thinking that we know can block further learning and constrain creativity. "Thinking outside the square," means unleashing creativity and being open to new ideas as well as innovative solutions. The synergy of bouncing ideas off one another may produce a solution that neither would have come up with alone. The space that is created by a mentoring relationship can be one of collaborative exploration.

Prescriptive Advice
Very few people enjoy being told what to do. It creates an imbalance of status in the relationship. Direction can be disempowering and cause resistance - even when the person on the receiving end agrees that the course of action is correct! Yet, mentorees often want advice. They may ask for guidance and value the wisdom of a mentor's experience. So input needs to be provided in a constructive way, which means offering information rather than instruction; developing options and choices and facilitating decisions made by the mentoree, themselves. The mentor can prompt consideration of consequences so that undesirable outcomes can be avoided when the course of action is selected.

Although you may have definite outcomes in mind, when you begin a mentoring conversation you don't know where it will take you. Although venturing into the unknown can be uncomfortable for mentors and mentorees, courage and humility win respect in relationships. Trusting the process of the mentoring conversation, allows exploration that can feel exciting rather than threatening. It is a way to expand possibilities and discover more about yourself. That's how mentoring works.